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What all businesses wish they could tell you but are afraid to.

 

 

I love my customers and my customers seem to love me. This is because I’m a genuinely nice guy even though my views on customer relations may be slightly on the unorthodox side. Below are some of my views. When understood by my customers, they help us get along just fine. I’m sure most people who have some customer service oriented dealings share my views. Unfortunately for most, circumstances prevent them from being open about them. 

 

The customer is always right is the biggest crock of crap I’ve ever heard of. Having been a customer and having observed countless other customers over the years, I can make that statement with 100% certainty.

 

I will protect your privacy to the best of my ability, until I find out you’re doing something illegal – then I’ll snitch like there’s no tomorrow.

 

When I provide a free service I find that those who approach me with delusions of entitlement generally don’t fare too well.  To put it another way, I’m not kissing any one’s butt to get them to enjoy the fruits of my labor for free.

 

The perceived drop in the quality of Customer Service across the US is in direct proportion to the rise in the number of butt holes in the customer base.

 

Do I think I’ll ever make any money with this type of attitude? I may or I may not. While I would love to make a gazillion dollars, I’m not kissing up to every jackass that waves a dollar bill in front of me. Perhaps, one or two; certainly not every single one.

 

When contacting me via email or phone regarding some issue related to a service I offer (especially a free one), don’t expect me to drop everything in front of me to tend to your concerns. I do have other things that take my time – like the wonderful world of naked women of the internet and sending Sarah Palin bashing email links to my friends.

 

When you start to act the fool, don’t try to draw me into some argument about your right to free speech. My experience has been that most people, who are quick to declare their constitutional guarantee to free speech, usually can’t tell me anything else that appears in the constitution besides those three words – “Freedom of Speech.” On rare occasions, some will remember that they also have the right to bear arms and that’s it. More importantly, your right to free speech does not translate into my obligation to caring about what you have to say – especially when you’re full of crap. Additionally, when you can only recall just three words out of a document that has about 7000 words, chances are you may have a few things out of context. Many have heaved a sigh of superiority while asking how a few words as simple as ‘freedom of speech’ can be taken out of context. My response: “Go run up down Main Street shouting, ‘I’m gonna kill the president’ and let’s see what your freedom of speech does for you.”

 

I will treat you and everyone else I encounter with respect until I’m given reason to withdraw said respect. First and foremost, however, I really don’t owe you a damn thing. Now that we have the pleasantries taken care of- let the games begin. Enjoy the free service.

 

To be amended as time permits or annoying customers warrant – whichever comes first.